Resurrection and Requiem
Hearts have muscle memory.
When I have an idea for a post I run to the blog, cough up all of my congested thoughts in no particular sequence, and hit "save to drafts." The draft for this one says "Somehow find the words." I'm not sure it's possible.
I don't know how to tell you really, all I'm trying to process or even to explain it save to tell you the truth - that hearts have muscle memory. That, and how phantom limb syndrome is a thing.
Wikipedia will tell you: "A phantom limb is the sensation that an amputated or missing limb is still attached. Approximately 60 to 80% of individuals with an amputation experience phantom sensations in their amputated limb, and the majority of the sensations are painful."
Phantom limb syndrome. Hearts have that too.
I remember sitting in my therapists office, her dogs barking at the top of their lungs as the intense heat of a sun much closer to that geographic location beat through the windows. The condensation clinging to my glass of water lit up like crystal jewels and I remember that was what I was looking at when she said it:
"The flowers have been cut. They are no longer attached to life but you will most certainly prolong their death if you keep them in a vase."
My heart hangs on. He made it that way. For better or worse, both blessing and curse, that's how it is. So it is my habit to pick back up what has been plucked, plopping it into a vase just in case there is any life left. Just in case resurrection works that way.
Nothing grows in a vase.
Matthew 8. Remember? Jesus asks the man to follow Him and he says "First let me go bury my father?" Turns out, that doesn't necessarily mean his father was already dead. He meant, "Let me let this play out. Let me see where this goes. Let me hang out at home till my father dies. Then I'll do what You want. Then I'll go where You say."
What was that Jesus had said? "Let the dead bury their dead."
Leave to get life. To get life, you let go.
"He who tills his land will have plenty of food, But he who follows empty pursuits will have poverty in plenty." - Proverbs 28:19
We all have our things? You know? Those flowers we love that are so beautiful and have so much potential. They are far from priceless to anyone else but they come with memories, attached to sentimental value, and every time you breathe them in you remember how it was and who you were and all that could have been. So into a vase they go and flowers need, water right? And flowers need light, right? Sure, you're missing that all essential component of soil but vases are almost like resurrection right?
Somehow. Sometimes. But not quite.
That's not a thing.
While you hold onto those dreams you birthed and nursed, struggling to bring life to something that's slipping away, taking care of business, tying up lose ends, doing all you can to save whatever it is, God is always calling you to follow Him instead. It's not because He's cruel, or unsympathetic, or doesn't understand. He understands completely.
He understand that an empty pursuit could not possibly fill you.
A garden will grow, if you let go.
Delete the number. Quit the job. Clean out the closet. Make the move. Sever the connection. Close the book. Trash the mementos. Let dead dreams lie. Let dead flowers die.
I'm not wrong, you know. A garden will grow, if you let go.